


The Letter

by sanctuary_for_all



Series: Partners [12]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, But it's okay, Established Relationship, Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2093337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuary_for_all/pseuds/sanctuary_for_all
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve hopes that Danny and Grace will never have to read it. Danny, of course, has never really paid much attention to the proper order of things. </p><p>***Now with additional chapters!***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Danno,_

_I've never written one of these before, even though I risked my life far more often with the SEALs than I ever did with 5-0. I would watch the other guys in my unit write letters to their loved ones in case they didn't come back, but there was never anyone I thought would miss me that much. Who I would ache to talk to one last time, even from beyond the grave._

_I didn't understand that, when you love someone, you always want one more chance to say "I love you." One more chance to say "I'm sorry." I hope more than anything that you hear at least some of this before you have to read this letter – my vows are sitting at home in our nightstand, half-finished – but if I'm not brave enough then I have to make sure they're said at least once._

000

"What are you writing?"

Steve hurriedly folded the paper over and tucked it into his desk. "Nothing."

Danny raised an eyebrow. "See, if you were smart, you would have lied and said it was your vows, because I would have been so shocked that you were actually working on them I wouldn't have been able to think up a follow up question."

"You know I'm not great at coming up with the right words." Steve leaned forward, giving his partner and love of his life a deliberately lazy smile. The fact it served as a distraction from the letter in his desk drawer was only a fringe benefit. "I'm much better with my hands."

Danny smirked. "Using sex to distract me." He gave a mock dramatic sigh, shaking his head. "Isn't that just like a man."

Steve's smile turned into a grin. "Lucky for me you do it, too."

000

_When you're a SEAL, you're trained to think of your life as less important than the greater good. It wasn't much of a stretch to think of other individual lives as also being more important than mine – they had families who would be left heartbroken if they didn't make it home. Their deaths would leave holes in people's lives, while mine wouldn't. I never wanted to die, but I saw no reason for me to make it out of a battle if one of these men or women didn't._

000

"The nurse should be giving you pain medication, not paper." Danny sounded exasperated as Steve tucked away the letter. "I don't suppose that getting shot made you feel guilty enough to start writing your _vows_ , did it?"

"Now that I think about it, why are we writing our own vows at all?" Steve asked, threading Danny's fingers through his. It had been a while since he'd been shot – he hadn't recognized a few of the newer nurses, for once – and he was trying harder to be charming in the hopes of making it up to Danny. "There are perfectly good vows already out there."

Danny sighed, squeezing his hand. "I already know that you love me, and there's no chance that you'll actually _obey_ me at all. I want you to promise things like you won't blow yourself up or give me a heart attack."

Steve pulled him closer. "Maybe I should have you write my vows."

000

_Then I met you, and suddenly surviving became much more important. I mostly didn't let myself imagine I would leave a hole in your life, not at first, but I wanted more time to argue with you. To watch your eyes spark when you were gearing up to explain to me just how wrong I was. To catch you off guard, and see the gentleness you tried so hard to hide. The only way I could have a chance at any of that was to make sure I stayed alive._

_Then you kissed me, and I had that much more reason to make it back. I can't stop being who I am, but I promise you that, no matter what happened to cause you to be reading this letter, I never gave up. I tried with everything I had to make it home to you and Gracie, and I am sorry as hell that it wasn't enough. The last thing I ever wanted to do was break your hearts._

000

"I was wearing a _vest_ , you _asshole_."

"At that angle, the blade would have just missed the edge of your vest and ended up somewhere in your lower back. _Forgive me_ for not wanting to see you paralyzed."

"You are _bleeding to death_ , Steven. You don't get to use sarcasm with me while you are pumping gallons of vital bodily fluids into the dirt."

"Don't exaggerate, Danny. It's nowhere near gallons."

000

_The only thing I won't be sorry for is if the reason I didn't make it back was so you could. I never want to leave you alone, but your life will always be worth more than mine. I don't know if you've ever forgiven me for North Korea, but I can't regret it. Jenna saved your life when you were poisoned by sarin, and I owed her far more than I ended up paying._

_The greatest thing I have ever done with my life is loving you and Gracie, and being lucky enough to have you love me in return. No matter what happens, never forget that._

_I hope like hell you never have to read this letter. Even if I had a hundred years with you, it still wouldn't be enough._

_You made me so happy._

_Love always,_

_Steve_

000

"You need to stop getting injured, Uncle Steve." Grace sounded utterly serious as she pressed her cheek against an unbandaged part of his stomach, arms tight around his middle. "I don't like being scared."

"I don't, either," Danny murmured, one hand each on Steve and Grace. "I've gotten out of the habit of watching you trying to kill yourself. Twice in one week is too much."

"I know," Steve told them both, pulling them closer. He thought about the letter, lying at the very back of his desk drawer. "I'm sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters are actually set after ["With This RIng,"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2106147/chapters/4593084) the next story in the series, but I thought it would make more sense to keep all the references to the letter together.

"See," Danny muttered to the empty air, since the man he was _actually_ talking to was being held hostage by state's director of finance in retribution for losing the damn form in the first place. " _This_ is why you should never be allowed to do the paperwork."

He'd turned the office over twice by this point – the form was, unsurprisingly, not anywhere _near_ where Steve had said he'd left it – and he had promised himself he'd stop at three before slinking back to the director and throwing themselves on her mercy so they could finally leave for the day. He tried to put himself in Steve's mindset, working through all the even vaguely logical places where he might have left a particularly vital piece of paperwork.

"His danger-senses probably started tingling, which means he literally forgot the paperwork existed," Danny said to himself, sitting in Steve's desk chair. "If it had gotten left on the desk it would have either eventually been filed or landed on the floor somewhere." Which was out, since he'd already checked under everything. "There's also a small chance he might have shoved it in this central drawer here, forgetting the rule that 'safe place' is actually code for 'you will never see this again'...."

This time, he searched all the way to the back of the drawer, fingertips brushing the very back, and was rewarded by the feeling of paper against his knuckles. He pulled, thinking he'd found his missing form, and when it didn't come immediately he gave it a good solid yank. If the form had gotten wedged in there, it would explain everything....

It was only as the paper came way in his hand that he realized it was an envelope, rather than a folded piece of paper, and that he'd heard the sound of tape ripping as he yanked.

Then he saw the "Danno" written across the front, in Steve's all-too-familiar handwriting, and his insides went cold.

It wasn't the same letter. It couldn't be, because the letter Steve had left before gallivanting off to try and get himself killed was shoved in the very back of _Danny's_ desk drawer, so he always knew where it was but never actually had to see it again.

No, this ... this was something else.

Danny slid his gaze over to his other hand, half lifting it so the SEAL ring caught the light. He'd seen the war movies, where the idiot, self-sacrificial heroes left behind final letters for the ones they loved. He'd written one for Grace, finally, after he'd gotten caught up in the bomb's motion sensor and nearly missed the daddy-daughter dance. He tried not to think about it, much.

But Steve would. Steve was exactly the type to worry about this sort of thing, especially now that he was getting married. He'd been writing something during that awful week the month before, where he'd insisted on throwing himself in front of instruments of death like it was the old days, and hadn't wanted to tell Danny what it was. Steve was a lot more concerned about worrying him, these days.

 Danny curled his fingers into a fist, hiding the SEAL ring from view, as he looked back at the envelope. By rights, he should put this back in the desk drawer and try to forget he'd ever seen it. That would be the fair thing to do.

But ... was it really fair for him to have to see it for the first time if Steve ... if he ... if the worst happened? When he wouldn't be able to punch Steve for whatever was written here, or kiss him, because it would be too late for everything? Danny wasn't sure how well he'd be able to handle basic functioning, if that happened. This ....

Taking a deep breath, he picked up the letter opener off Steve's desk and slit the envelope open neatly. Pulling out the single sheet of paper, he carefully sat down and began to read.

_Danno,_

_I've never written one of these before...._


	3. Chapter 3

Danny really should have given up by now.  If not that, at least called to yell at him.

Having escaped the director of finance with a fervent apology and a promise to get her the appropriate paperwork first thing in the morning, Steve told himself he was being ridiculous as he headed back to his office.  The odds of someone managing to kidnap Danny from HQ were extremely low, and if they tried Danny would have caused them enough trouble for Steve to have heard something. There was no reason to think he wasn't still in Steve's office, cursing its owners name and general intelligence level.

Still, he couldn't stop the relief uncoiling in his chest when he saw the office light on, a familiar blond head sitting at his desk reading something. "Hey, I wouldn't have let you leave me behind as collateral if I knew you'd let yourself get...."

The words trailed off when Steve saw the envelope tossed on the desk, "Danno" written across it in his own handwriting, and he realized what Danny must be reading.

His breath left him in a rush, not enough of it left in his lungs to get his partner's name out. That was the moment Danny looked up, meeting Steve's eyes as he carefully folded the letter back up and put it back in the envelope. "So, I should probably apologize for reading that, but you had to know there was a pretty good chance that would happen." Despite the flippant tone, Danny's voice was still scratchy. His cheeks were also wet. "I think I'll hold onto this, if that's alright."

"Yeah." Steve forced his lungs to start working again. "It was meant for you."

"That is true." Danny nodded, wiping his fingers across both his cheeks. "And as much as I absolutely _hate_ crying, I'll allow it this time because that was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read." He tapped the edge of the envelope against the desk. "The only thing I hate more than crying is the fact that this has to exist at all." He let out a breath as he looked down at it. "But I understand why you felt you had to do it."

He'd do it again, too, even though a part of Steve still felt like he should be apologizing for it. "Good."

"There's just one thing, though. That bit about my life being worth more than yours." Suddenly, there was an edge in Danny's voice as he lifted his head to meet Steve's gaze. "No."

Steve's chest twisted. "You're not going to convince me on this one, Danny."

"Nothing to convince you about. It's reality." There was only certainty in Danny's voice. "I've got zero interest in doing this without you, and if you try to make me I'll follow you into the afterlife and kick your ass for it."

Steve blinked, his eyes stinging. Danny had always said 'I love you' with threats of violence. “You’d be okay. You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Yeah, I was always good at that." Danny tossed the envelope on the desk, suddenly sounding tired. "When my sisters had a problem, they came to me. When Matty got in trouble, I was the one who fished him out of it. When my parents fought, I was the person who got them to stop. I was everybody’s rock, and if I had a problem I just shut up and dealt with it on my own."

He looked up at Steve again. "Worked with Rachel, too, for awhile, until she got sick of being married to a brick wall. I tried for a little while to do the whole back and forth thing, but I swear..." His voice trailed off. "It’s like standing there waiting for someone to punch you in the face." He swallowed. "And then she took Grace, and ripped my heart out of my chest instead."

Steve couldn't stop himself from moving closer at the pain in Danny's voice. He wanted to hate Rachel for it, sometimes, but the truth was that if she hadn't made Danny chase her to Hawaii then Steve would have never met him in the first place. It had taken him a long time to stop feeling guilty for that. "I'm sorry."

Danny's expression softened as he waved the comfort away, then took a deep breath. "When she dragged us all to Hawaii, I was done. Meka was a one-man welcoming committee, there was no getting around that, but I drew a very clear line." He drew one on the desk, emphasizing his point. "I could make friends, date, whatever, but no one else got all the way in but Gracie."

His lips quirked up a little as he looked up at Steve. "And then I met the most insane, infuriating man on the planet, and I lost all control of the situation. I wanted to strangle you on a regular basis, but the real hell of it was the fact that I _liked_ you."

Steve couldn't stop his eyes from widening, and seeing it made Danny's smile get bigger as he continued. "I liked being around you, even when you were busy trying to get me killed. I liked being around you so much I let you drag me into the middle of the godforsaken ocean for no reason, more than once, and if you think there’s another person on this _planet_ besides my daughter with the power to do that then you are sorely mistaken."

Steve felt his own lips curve up, even as his chest squeezed tight, and he started heading around the desk to Danny. "We'll teach you, one of these days."

"You're delusional." But that smile he loved so much was still there. "But you were there for me whether I asked for it or not. Whether I particularly wanted you to be or not, with these ridiculous, insane gestures that were totally over the top but always exactly what I needed."

Danny pointed at Steve, then, clearly getting himself worked up. Steve loved him like this, too. "But when someone tried to be there for _you_ in anything but a firefight, you acted like they were speaking another language. As far as I could tell, you pretty much just needed me to be in the passengers seat, shoot at the right moment, and not give in to my near-constant urge to knock you unconscious and hide you in a closet."

Steve opened his mouth, ready to make a joke, but then he saw Danny's expression go serious and he lost his breath again.  "I had no plan for you, and I was so busy trying to make sure you didn’t throw yourself on a bullet that I didn’t even notice when I went from liking you to needing you." Danny's voice was rough, his eyes intense. "When being with you started to feel just as much like home as being with my daughter. I thought I loved New Jersey, but I would spend the rest of my life on _Mars_ if that was where you and Grace were."

The words sounded like a vow. Steve's throat tightened, eyes already stinging again.

Danny swiped his fingers across his eyes. "Rachel divorced the brick wall because she couldn't deal with it. You just ninja SEAL’d your way over the top while I was looking the other way, then bonded with my daughter and happily settled in to being co-conqueror of my heart.  By the time I figured out that someone else was in the perfect position to rip the thing out of my chest again, it was way the hell too late to do anything about it."

Danny swallowed, his voice shaky now. Steve's eyes filled. "I picture the ending of things so I can be ready for it. So I can brace myself, survive, and be there for everyone else. But I can’t with you, because …."

Steve went around the desk before Danny could finish the sentence, going down on one knee next to the chair. Danny laid his hands against the sides of Steve's face, fingers carding through his hair.  "You asshole, I’ve been waiting for you my whole life and didn’t even know it. You’re a part of me. And when you go ..." He leaned forward, pressing his lips against Steve's forehead. "...there’ll be no recovering from that."

Steve swallowed, his cheeks wet as he pulled Danny down into his arms. Danny went without argument, wrapping his own arms around Steve as tight as they would go. "So don’t you _dare_ die to save my life," he whispered fiercely. "I don’t want the one that will be left if you’re not in it anymore."

Steve's fingers curled in the back of Danny's shirt, holding on for dear life.  "You can't leave me behind, either."

Danny chuckled wetly. "So we both live." He pressed his lips against Steve's neck. "I like that plan better, anyway."

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my weekly posts and original short fiction on my [blog](http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com) or say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://sanctuaryforalluniverses.tumblr.com)!


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